This past week I have been struggling about blogging my life. One of my kids says she hates reading about her family here… I know it hurts her and I know she probablly feels compelled to read anyway.
I feel I must continue blogging here because I run across so many people on a daily basis facing choices I once made; facing outcomes that might hurt all the people they love, and I think my experiences might help them avoid mistakes that can’t be undone mistakes known by experts in PAS & High Conflict Divorces (HCD) shown, known and proven to cause serious, sometimes PERMANENT, psychological trauma to kids and parents in high conflict divorce cases (HCD}.
If you’ve been reading here before then you know that I feel that sometimes a parent isn’t alienating the child/ren on purpose; sometimes they are just so full of pain over the break-up they can’t bring themselves to be respectful… Talking about the other parent in a positive light is actually impossible when one is hurting so badly… and alienation can occur subconsciously. However, once a parent understands that their behavior, comments, and preventing contact so that normal healthy parent/child relationships can continue to exist, is harming not just their ex, but also damaging the children, well then we move to a different level. We may be leaving kids in the care of a cruel and possibly dangerous person… One who doesn’t care about the child’s self esteem, or who places their own feelings above those others. This is the person who should face sanctions, possibly criminal charges for child abuse. That is EXACTLY what this behavior is; Child Abuse.
Signs of parental alienation include:
Bad-mouthing the other parent to the children
Erasing the parent from the children’s lives
Forcing the children to reject the other parent
Forcing the children to choose sides
Creating the impression the other parent is dangerous (yes I just said the alternator is the dangerous one…)
Belittling comments to the other parent in front of the children
Calling the children to testify against the other parent
Convincing the children the other parent is creating financial hardship on the family
Spreading rumors and lies to community members which make it difficult, if not impossible, for the other parent to remain within the family’s previous shared community.
Making criminal allegations to law enforcement causing legal issues and sometimes incarceration when there is no validity to the charges; or the charges emanate from legal activity prior to divorce or separation.
My son believes that I stole from his father, he says he was shown proof. I have asked to see this proof to no avail. I’m left to believe either it doesn’t exist, or may be easily refuted once I can see what was shown to him. Proving a negative is almost impossible. However making sense of documents, providing legitimate reasons specific papers exist, is quite simple. Showing a kid some stock trades or line item purchases without giving background, or dates, (perhaps a married couple decision to make a purchase, now being twisted into a theft by the outsider) whatever the case may be, if their was a CRIME COMMITTED then the District Attorney would file charges, a criminal trial would ensue, and the truth would come out because unlike family court, criminal court has due process and burdens of proof to satisfy. How is a child supposed to have the critical thinking skills required to question legitimacy of these types of accusations? S/he can’t s/he just believes it or not.
MY HIGHEST CRIME:
ONE DAY while I was still married I did something out of anger that I knew was wrong. I charged 100 pizzas to his card and had them delivered to his former workplace with a nice greeting. $500. is no felony. People enjoyed it and I felt a little less angry that day.
As you might be realizing by now, this divorce is taking a toll. I have to come up with ways of finding humor where none really should exist:
One day I gave my kids permission to sing “Chuck” in the name game song (previously forbidden). Sing along now, “Chuck, duck, bo buck fee fie fo F*&#….”
I named my vacuum cleaner after the Step-Mom, yeah, it’s a Dyson so Jill never loses suction.
I remember the great times I had with my whole family, yes, even the former husband.
I think about the day my kids discover that they were used like pawns, fodder, just to hurt me.
I try to imagine the day that the Former Spouse meets St. Peter, in my imagination his making up rationalizations for his treatment of me is riotously funny.
I pretend I am in disguise and watching my son in a play.
I sing songs loudly which I dedicate to Chuck, Jill, her sister Robin, and my once monster-in-law: some great ones are
“Mean” by Taylor Swift and
“Pigs, Three Different Ones” by Pink Floyd.
I imagine Jill actually catches him being unfaithful.
but my favorite one is the one where these guys just get over hurting me and decide to work together as an extended family.
UPDATE AUGUST 29, 2016
I’m writing a documentary about Television and movies and their role in Parental Alienation. The focus will be how society is almost encouraging the breakdown of family, and its long tern effect upon adult children.
I recently wrote a private letter to the Stepmother asking her if we could bury the hatchet now that I am frequently invited to Al. to see my granddaughter. I have had no reply, I assume that means no.
I posted a link in the step-parents area at reddit/divorce and I was shocked to have such negative feedback. People telling me to remain out of my newly reunited, adult children’s lives and to leave SM alone. I just DON’T understand WHY people can’t get along? Why does it have to be ONLY her, and how could she really hate a person she has never taken 10 minutes to know?
I really am struggling with these questions because I want to be able to attend future events, weddings, christenings, Holy Communion, all of it. I do not want my kids to have to pick one of us, we are adults and I feel we should be able to be in the same room civilly, for the KIDS! Please post new thoughts below…
Although we have never spent any time together I believe that you and I COULD become friendly, if not friends.
First off; let me again express my gratitude to you for guiding my children into adulthood. I honestly believe that without your influence they would not have achieved so much. I can’t thank you enough for loving them. Sincere, heartfelt THANKS!
Now I need to address some issues that I feel we, yes, you and I TOGETHER, need to come to terms with.
The number one thing that Wanda told me you said about me that really hurt my feelings was, “anybody can spit out four kids”. I have serious issues with that statement because it is a falsehood number one; because the children are mine, they are NOT your flesh and blood. Yes, you were there for them the past 7 years or so, but that doesn’t make them your children. It makes the children your family, people you love and people you are partially responsible for, still they will always be 50% of my genetic code and no matter how much you love them you can’t replace me. You can’t change their genetic make-up and as much as I believe you wish you could erase all traces of me from them, you can’t. I suggest that you come to terms with this and try to comprehend the special bond of mother and child which I have observed to remain intact even when a child is separated from their biological mother from birth.
Allow me to give you an example from my own life. You may not know this about me but I was adopted. I had a burning desire to find my biological family, my roots, at a very young age. To that end I began adoption research at the age of 15. I spent countless hours scouring records of “Chattle” (yes, sickening that Arizona used a livestock sales column to post adoption announcements) helping so many other people in the Az Search Triad, but never successfully locating my own announcement.
After Charlene was born I became obsessed really with locating my birth mother, and after much research I finally found her.
What she experienced the day I called her for the first time clearly demonstrates the connection between mother and child that remans unbroken through time.
My birth mother, June, (Wanda June is named after both Chuck’s mother and my birth mother) is the type of woman who’s only idle time is when she is asleep. She never really stops doing. The day I first called her was one of the rare moments in her life where she simply paused, by the telephone no less, in certain anticipation of a call from a daughter she had never met. Call it a psychic connection, a twinned cell, or, as I believe, a blood bond, she knew the baby she placed for adoption was going to call her that day and she was ready.
Jill I am not telling you this to make a comparison between the love our children have for mother or step mother. I trying desperately to explain that EVERYONE in this family will be far better off with more love rather than more pain. I would never force my children to choose between you and I, not for fear of the outcome, but because it is simply UNNECESSARY for them to make any such choice.
Now Jill, my children are almost all adults and I realize that they can decide never to speak to me again. How do you think they will feel when they have their own children and become aware of the deception and mean-spirited tactics that have pushed me away since the moment you became an important part of their lives? Do you believe that they will overlook the awful things you and Robin have said about me over the years?
I am betting adulthood will open their eyes to just how mean you have been to me. I HONESTLY Hope they don’t become so angry with you for the accusations, the not telling them I called, wrote, or flew 1200 miles to see them only to be threatened by you with trespass charges if I didn’t leave. Jill, as deeply as you have hurt me, I don’t wish this pain upon you.
I think of ALL of you everyday and while sometimes I am filled with pain, which ultimately leads to anger, for the most part I think of you fondly. I imagine you teaching Wanda to read music, encouraging Daniel to pursue drama, and holding the grandchildren I will never hold, with the love and adoration they clearly deserve. I imagine the pain you feel, as I once felt, being ignored intimately by a man who was sadly taught that sexual intercourse was something women despised, and that showing affection or being publicly affectionate was inappropriate even for man and wife. I imagine you crying alone realizing they will soon be gone and that even though you are married to a great guy, you will soon be very lonely.
Jill, I will always welcome any positive relationship with you. I would be able to overcome the painful past if you would simply reach out in sincere friendship to me. We have much in common, my kids have told me this time and again. I was told by Daniel that I left hurtful messages on your answering machine for you. I honestly do not recall trying to be hurtful towards you; yet I know that when I am in pain I can be very mean. I know this sounds like I am making excuses, I am not. There is no excuse if I hurt you; and if I did I am truly sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.
Jill, please, I am begging you to start to TRY to add me to your life.
Won’t you take a few moments to read some of the posts below?
By sharing my experience I hope to help divorcing parents avoid my divorce pain, for the kids sake.
What I have gone through isn’t an isolated event; it happens all over the world everyday and very often (In My Opinion) it happens by accident. It is a slow process which is exacerbated by other influential adults in a child of divorce’ life talking negatively about a non-custodial parent. The more rejecting the custodial parent is of the ex-spouse, the more hatred and contempt displayed by the parent a child lives with then the MORE likely that child will eventually reject the non-custodial parent. This is due to fear of rejection by both parents. If custodial parent can reject someone s/he promised to love honor and cherish so maliciously, what is to prevent custodial parent from rejecting the child if s/he displeases him/her? What would happen to that child if mom and dad both reject him/her? Would they be alone? Fear rules the depths of a child’s imagination.
My opinions are that there is no way to completely reverse Parental Alienation once the child is over 16-17 because too much has been lost, like the point of no return.
I believe that some families and people don’t even realize how serious the impact of their off the cuff remarks are to the listening child.
I believe that the custodial parent has a duty to maintain open contact with the other parent and to do everything possible to help the child retain the parent child relationship that existed during the marriage.
I FIRMLY believe that neither parent should move farther away than 30 miles. This was my BIGGEST MISTAKE.
I believe that family courts should have some sort of public defender or other type of legal aid on a sliding scale to even out the playing field in these very important issues. When one parent has all the resources and the other is destitute even the idea of custody being given to the poor parent is a concept the indigent parent wouldn’t want, because with the wealthy one the child will have their needs met by virtue of financial ability. I recall a few visits where I had nothing but peanut butter and rice to feed 5 of us for a weekend. It is an awful feeling to have nothing more to offer the children you love.
I believe that there should be a post divorce review, not in the courthouse, but with some type of case manager who retrieves various pieces of information and documents the judge may have ordered created or filed, receipts proving bills have been paid; child support and alimony payments should be processed electronically via a private party who would report immediately any failure of payment which can be settled swiftly without long drawn out contempt hearings.
I believe that family court judges should not interject their personal beliefs regarding the divorcing parties into their verdict. In my case I had been too politically active as a Republican in a Democrat State; it hurt me in court, I am sure of it.
These are just some of my views and I hope you will read on to learn more about My Divorce Pain so it will prevent you from hurting too.
I am an alienated child, I am sure of myself and the world that I live in, I know what is true and what is not and I have been told many stories about you from the past as well as the present. When you try to tell me that what I believe is wrong I know that this is confirmation of everything they say about you, you are tricking me, you are trying to control me, you are dangerous to me and those who love me.
I am an alienated child, I am self righteous and indignant if anyone dares to suggest that what I know to be true is wrong. I will not listen to you or to anyone who tries to stand up for you, I will cut out of my life in a second the people who do not agree with my point of view.