10. We know what it’s like to go through custody battles, and we don’t want to seal our kids to that fate by marrying the wrong person.
Money Money Money
The times are changing for family court issues. No longer are “Mommies” automatically the preferred custodial parent. Now “Daddies” have about an equal chance at primary custody IF, yes IF, they have the cash.I have watched and read so many divorce cases, and appeals and come away sure in my belief that s/he who has the biggest bankroll will win.
KNOW PROTECT and ASSERT your RIGHTS
There are no “Public Attorney’s” for family court. However I strongly believe THERE SHOULD BE!! In family courts there are no juries for the most part, only a judge, often biased in belief, and I often wonder if influenced by, well I’ll say it, bribery and/or extortion. I say this after reading so many cases where a judge has ignored the best interest of the parties to favor the best financial bottom line. Maybe some of you believe financial strength SHOULD take precedence over a parent who is destitute.
Did we bring this on ourselves by using children/child support to punish ex spouses in contemptuous accusations? In family court it is so often the non-payers who wind up in jail for their failure to pay. The court seemingly indifferent to the non-payers life circumstance such as loss of job, disability, or the fact that the children the court demands support for LOATHES the parent (usually due to PAS and rarely by fault of their own)
Who would want to put out half their income, often living in squalor, so a child taught to hate them could have a new car, braces to make them beautiful, music lessons for their pleasure, or worse, money for the alcohol which their custodial parent consumes far too much of?
5th, 6th, 7th and 8th Amendments SHOULD Apply
I contend that any legal process that could result in the loss of your freedom should be covered by the Bill of Rights as equally as it is applied in Criminal Court; and go a step farther to state that some actions in divorce cases should be criminalized, ESPECIALLY Parental Alienation.
Parental Alienation charges should be available OUTSIDE family court such that not strictly former spouse, but anyone caught or proven to have harmed a parent child relation should be open for civil liability and in some cases, criminal charges.
Want to discuss this? please click discuss criminalizing PAS
This past week I have been struggling about blogging my life. One of my kids says she hates reading about her family here… I know it hurts her and I know she probablly feels compelled to read anyway.
I feel I must continue blogging here because I run across so many people on a daily basis facing choices I once made; facing outcomes that might hurt all the people they love, and I think my experiences might help them avoid mistakes that can’t be undone mistakes known by experts in PAS & High Conflict Divorces (HCD) shown, known and proven to cause serious, sometimes PERMANENT, psychological trauma to kids and parents in high conflict divorce cases (HCD}.
If you’ve been reading here before then you know that I feel that sometimes a parent isn’t alienating the child/ren on purpose; sometimes they are just so full of pain over the break-up they can’t bring themselves to be respectful… Talking about the other parent in a positive light is actually impossible when one is hurting so badly… and alienation can occur subconsciously. However, once a parent understands that their behavior, comments, and preventing contact so that normal healthy parent/child relationships can continue to exist, is harming not just their ex, but also damaging the children, well then we move to a different level. We may be leaving kids in the care of a cruel and possibly dangerous person… One who doesn’t care about the child’s self esteem, or who places their own feelings above those others. This is the person who should face sanctions, possibly criminal charges for child abuse. That is EXACTLY what this behavior is; Child Abuse.
Signs of parental alienation include:
- Bad-mouthing the other parent to the children
- Limiting contact
- Erasing the parent from the children’s lives
- Forcing the children to reject the other parent
- Forcing the children to choose sides
- Creating the impression the other parent is dangerous (yes I just said the alternator is the dangerous one…)
- Belittling comments to the other parent in front of the children
- Calling the children to testify against the other parent
- Convincing the children the other parent is creating financial hardship on the family
- Spreading rumors and lies to community members which make it difficult, if not impossible, for the other parent to remain within the family’s previous shared community.
- Making criminal allegations to law enforcement causing legal issues and sometimes incarceration when there is no validity to the charges; or the charges emanate from legal activity prior to divorce or separation.
My son believes that I stole from his father, he says he was shown proof. I have asked to see this proof to no avail. I’m left to believe either it doesn’t exist, or may be easily refuted once I can see what was shown to him. Proving a negative is almost impossible. However making sense of documents, providing legitimate reasons specific papers exist, is quite simple. Showing a kid some stock trades or line item purchases without giving background, or dates, (perhaps a married couple decision to make a purchase, now being twisted into a theft by the outsider) whatever the case may be, if their was a CRIME COMMITTED then the District Attorney would file charges, a criminal trial would ensue, and the truth would come out because unlike family court, criminal court has due process and burdens of proof to satisfy. How is a child supposed to have the critical thinking skills required to question legitimacy of these types of accusations? S/he can’t s/he just believes it or not.
MY HIGHEST CRIME:
ONE DAY while I was still married I did something out of anger that I knew was wrong. I charged 100 pizzas to his card and had them delivered to his former workplace with a nice greeting. $500. is no felony. People enjoyed it and I felt a little less angry that day.
Yup I did that.
RaeLynn, a lovely country singer best known for her time on television’s “The Voice,” put her experience as a child of divorced parents to music allowing us all insight to the emotional turmoil a child of divorce faces, sometimes well into adulthood..
“RaeLynn tells “People Magazine‘s” “The whole point of family is to be a unit and to do a lot of things together and it’s just not that when your parents are divorced. I think there’s been a lot of divorce songs out there, but they’ve always been about the parents. They’ve never been from the kid’s perspective.”
She further reflects that seeing her parents on a court ordered schedule hurt her Dad as well, “My dad would pick me up every other Friday at 6, and drop me off by 6 on Sunday. Around 4 every Sunday, I remember him getting a little sad, because he wouldn’t get to see his baby for two weeks. I can’t imagine, when I become a mother, not being able to see my child for two weeks. That’s really hard, but that’s the truth, and that’s the normal for a lot of kids in divorced homes. They have to split their time and split their love. It really is not that fair, but it’s a lot of our normal and our truth.”
For more of her interview PLUS a live performance video of the song “Love Triangle” Click here.
Once upon a time there lived a family. A kind man married A lovely woman and they had two children.
Sadly not every happy family can make it forever and so, this family began to fall apart when their two children were in their formidable teenage years.
In the early years both children enjoyed a close and loving relationship with both of their parents. However, when the bitterness of divorce began spreading its ugly roots within their once very happy home, the teenage children began to show distain for their father. It was inexplicable the amount of anger and hate these two loving children now held out for their father. On every issue they seemed to solely side with their mother, even the tiniest thing like what to watch on TV or where to go for dinner. If these kids believed that their mother would not like the places or choices, then neither did these teenage children. They would often refuse to spend time with their father, eat dinner with their father, or even watch television with their once cherished dad.
Prior to The failure of the marriage the kids had a close, loving relationship with both of their parents. Now their father was a loathsome creature, not worthy of consideration, care or love.
Once the divorce was final, the children completely cut their father out of their lives. They also renounced all ties with their paternal family. As well as daddy’s friends from around town.
Heartbroken, he could not understand how children he loved so deeply could turn their back on him in such a way?! How could they forget him on Father’s Day?! His birthday?! pretty much every day? His friends said, “give them time, they will come around you will see” … But they never did, until one day when his worst fear was realized.
Yes, he had just learned he had cancer, his time on earth was short.
He now reeled in the pain of regret. He was suddenly overwhelmed with regretful sadness of not BEING THERE because of their attitude towards him. Suddenly He regretted as he realized he had a right to attend every birthday, that he had not insisted upon attending even the smallest event even if it meant watching quietly from the back of the room, without drawing undue attention. He regretted missing things like graduation, their first play, their wedding day, and the birth of his grandchildren. He missed it all because he was “Waiting for them to come around”.
The pain of his suffering didn’t bode well in his battle against the big “C”. He suffered now not only from cancer but from depression as well.
A friend of the family took it upon himself to call his children to tell them it was time.
Now as adults, they rallied around him and he was in awe of them. His love for his children left him in tears every night when they left the hospital. He hung on every word they spoke, memorized every story that they told, each memory recalled, or thing they joked about; all the time he had missed “Waiting for Them to Come Around” was now laid before him by two strangers he now knew less about than he knew about his attending nurse.
Before his diagnosis he had been seeing a woman and really enjoyed her company. He asked her to marry him just two days before those terrible test results came back, she had agreed, but no date was set due to his diagnosis and the sudden the appearance of his formerly lost children. They seem to permeate every aspect of his now cut short life. They took over and routed her out. He was unable or unwilling to to limit this sudden attention of his adult children in this the final stage of his life. So every day he laid back and memorized everything about his long lost children. All the while forsaking the love of his present. Why should he care about the future? He reasoned for he had no future. It was this sudden, unexpected, and long dreamed about arrival in his present that he was so stunned by that really nothing else mattered to him. Forsaking all others, he simply watched his children as he rapidly faded and died.
Because of state laws the actual people in charge of the funeral where his children. Even though they knew nothing of his desires for internment. they had not asked him if he wanted to be buried or cremated, and once again due to his amazement of their sudden appearance in his life, he never mentioned how he wanted his funeral handled. Even if he had told them how he wanted his body handled or how he wanted his estate handled, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have cared. He was after all nothing more than a stranger whom they shared genetic code with . They really didn’t remember him from their childhood. He had not attended any important events and didn’t even know their spouses so they thought nothing of having him cremated and throwing his ashes in the middle of a lake. How were they to know that he could not even swim?
The next day, the children cleaned out their father’s home . Swiftly, carelessly removing items that were quite obviously items belonging to his fiancé. They placed everything with the state seller who could get rid of all of his stuff within a week and for a nominal fee. Next they hired a real estate agent sold his property and split the money three ways mom and two kids.
No one thought about his parents, their paternal family. Sadly they hadn’t seen or cared to hear from their father’s parents, their own grandparents, in years. The grandparents did not get to attend the funeral, did not get to say goodbye to their son, and in fact they never again saw their grandchildren.
Sadly, they learned of their sons death by reading an obituary in the newspaper mailed by a friend some 10 days after the funeral.
They weren’t really that close to him but they definitely loved him. They always sent their grandchildren birthday, Christmas, and other occasional cards with money inside. They did this despite never receiving A card, a return reply, “Thank You” call or correspondence. Their son wrote to them often but since his divorce had remained aloof.
One friend said: “Who disowns their own grandmother?”
Alienated children, that’s who.
They came back into their father’s life just long enough to benefit from his death; conveniently showing up so that hospital staff and social workers would defer to his kids instead of a truly involved, mother, father, sister, brother, fiancé or other relative for his final wishes. Oh, They came around all right, just not in the way he thought they would.
I’m sure, in the mind of an alienated child, this is acceptable and maybe even normal behavior. After all they were taught daddy is a lowlife and he ruined our family so now they’re going to get what they feel they deserve.
That concept is One of the most frightening and abhorrent things about Parental Alienation victims behaviors: it is mystifying and wrong in every aspect. No matter if you’re the alienator, the alienated or an adult, untreated, child of acrimonious divorce, you do not comprehend A true family unit or fully understand how families should work, Sadly many of you do you not know at all what real love is like.
It isn’t just the children who need help it’s the alienator the ex-spouse, or even someone else involved in the situation such as an in-law or a stepparent if they participate in alienating behavior they need help. The estranged ex-spouse certainly needs help, and don’t ever forget the children because they are our future and if they don’t know how to love this world is in serious trouble.
the children think their behavior is natural and ordinary. Is it typical for a person to disown half of their family? When you’ve been raised by an alienating parent, unfortunately, the answer is yes Source: Waiting until illness descends upon a Targeted Parent
I AM THE ALIENATOR
by Karen Woodall
I am an alienator. You know me well. You lived with me once and you witnessed my behavior patterns but you did not spend time studying and internalizing them. I know your behavior patterns better than you know them yourself. I know how to measure you, test you and control you. I know what your hooks are and I know that the depth of the love for your children is a weakness I can exploit. I am an emotional terrorist. I will terrify you into submission. You will do as I tell you to do, if you do not, I will take your children away.
I am an alienator, you didn’t notice that when we lived together but I began my work long before we went our separate ways. I created fissures and fractures within our family and I managed and manipulated reality, though for a long time you did not notice that.
I am an alienator, at times in the past you felt a chill wind blow through you when my moods changed as I raged and then sweet talked you to smooth the ripples in your growing awareness. My mind is distorted but the projection of shadows causes you to believe it is yours which has failed you. Eventually you came to believe that it was you and not I who was crazy. You shivered as I turned down the gas light.
When you appeal to the outside world for assistance I will turn my most charming face to the sun and open my arms wide and beseech them to believe that I only want the best for my children. I will widen my eyes and up turn my palms and say ‘what can I do when they don’t want to see you’ and suck into my airspace all those who attempt to bring change to the lives of the weapons I know I can use.
My children are assets, collateral, extensions of plans that I make to wreak my revenge upon people who challenge my views or attempt to remove the control that I have in my life.
My children are satellites orbiting sunshine coming only from me – you could never compete with the warmth that I wind around each of their hearts so that only my love is enough; making yours surplus, not needed, discarded like clothes that you bought and I won’t let them wear.
I am all that they need.
You are not.
When our love ended my rage recruited our children to a campaign of
revenge that joins us together against you.
In my mind your betrayal awakened the traumas of people long dead and ignited the fuse that lead to the bomb that blew up our lives. Now, the souls of our children are hostage to wrongs which come howling from hell and you are helpless to hold back the tide which will sweep you and they to the death that is living with losing your children whilst they are still breathing. Your loss not mine which you and not I will have to survive.
Sometimes you mirror me, two perfect projections that weave webs of destruction that sever our children in two, one side light, one side dark, you there in the shadows.
But mostly it is because I cannot see my behaviours, I am blind to the sight of myself in the mirror. The only reflection I need is the love of my children to feed me and give me a sense of my self which I lost even before I was born.
I am the alienator, annihilator, terminator. My aim is to end, by fair means or foul, your place in the hearts and the lives of your children.
I am easily spotted by those who know me but invisible to those who do not. You will spend your time, your energy and money telling them I am behind this whilst I smile and continue to shred the trust our children once held in you. I am an alienator even when I do not know it and the failure to see the shadows I cast in the projections I throw onto you, is the fault of a system so blinded by bias it is frozen like the minds of our children, the children being harmed right under the noses of those who should know how to help them but sadly, do not.
In the plain sight of you and of them, the lives of the children you love are stolen, erased and extinguished.
And your anguish and pain are the gifts that I treasure.
And your suffering compensates for the things I perceive you to have done.
And whilst chaos reigns and the system colludes with my delusions, the power I seek remains mine.
Along with the children.
Whose eyes are wide open but able to see nothing at all.