Tag Archives: coping

Painful Perspective ~ Child of Divorce


RaeLynn, a lovely country singer best known for her time on television’s “The Voice,” put her experience as a child of divorced parents to music allowing us all  insight to the emotional turmoil a child of divorce faces, sometimes well into adulthood..

“RaeLynn tells “People Magazine‘s” Danielle Anderson, “The whole point of family is to be a unit and to do a lot of things together and it’s just not that when your parents are divorced. I think there’s been a lot of divorce songs out there, but they’ve always been about the parents. They’ve never been from the kid’s perspective.”

She further reflects that seeing her parents on a court ordered schedule hurt her Dad as well, “My dad would pick me up every other Friday at 6, and drop me off by 6 on Sunday. Around 4 every Sunday, I remember him getting a little sad, because he wouldn’t get to see his baby for two weeks. I can’t imagine, when I become a mother, not being able to see my child for two weeks. That’s really hard, but that’s the truth, and that’s the normal for a lot of kids in divorced homes. They have to split their time and split their love. It really is not that fair, but it’s a lot of our normal and our truth.”

For more of her interview PLUS a live performance video of the song “Love Triangle” Click here.

official video RaeLynn - Love triangle
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Things I Do That Get Me Through and Other Coping Mechanisms


  Find Humor Where You Can

As you might be realizing by now, this divorce is taking a toll.  I have to come up with ways of finding humor where none really should exist:

  • One day I gave my kids permission to sing “Chuck” in the name game song (previously forbidden). Sing along now, “Chuck, duck, bo buck fee fie fo F*&#….”
  • I named my vacuum cleaner after the Step-Mom, yeah, it’s a Dyson so Jill never loses suction.
  • I remember the great times I had with my whole family, yes, even the former husband.
  • I think about the day my kids discover that they were used like pawns, fodder, just to hurt me.
  • I try to imagine the day that the Former Spouse meets St. Peter, in my imagination his making up rationalizations for his treatment of me is riotously funny.
  • I pretend I am in disguise and watching my son in a play.
  • I sing songs loudly which I dedicate to Chuck, Jill, her sister Robin, and my once monster-in-law: some great ones are
    • “Mean” by Taylor Swift and
    • “Pigs, Three Different Ones” by Pink Floyd.
  • I imagine Jill actually catches him being unfaithful.
  • but my favorite one is the one where these guys just get over hurting me and decide to work together as an extended family.

UPDATE AUGUST 29, 2016

I’m writing a documentary about Television and movies and their role in Parental Alienation.  The focus will be how society is almost encouraging the breakdown of family, and its long tern effect upon adult children.

Write me to help out please.

Parental Alienation is TRAUMA


Losing A Parent is Childhood Trauma

The popular press has reported many stories about adults who suddenly remember having been abused as children. Some media reports have emphasized the unusual circumstances or content of such recovered memories while other reports have declared that the “recovery” of memories of abuse is false for a variety of reasons. Little in the press, however, has dealt with the science relating to memories of childhood trauma. 

The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies

is working on life affecting issues arising from trauma exposure of many origins.  According to their research memories can not only be false, but they can be planted by others!

Q: Are Recovered Memories Always Accurate?

Scientists believe that recovered memories – including recovered memories of childhood trauma – are not always accurate. When people remember childhood trauma and later say their memory was wrong, there is no way to know which memory was accurate – the one that claims the trauma happened or the one that claims it did not.

Q: How Might False Memories Develop?

A great deal of laboratory research involving normal people in everyday situations demonstrates that memory is not perfect. Evidence shows that memory can be influenced by other people and situations; that people can make up stories to fill in memory gaps, and that people can be persuaded to believe they heard, saw or experienced events that did not really happen. Studies also reveal that people who have inaccurate memories can strongly believe they are true.

Sad man in space
Alone in Space

 

Q: Is it Possible to Forget Childhood Trauma?

People forget names, dates, faces and even entire events all the time. But is it possible to forget terrible experiences such as being raped? Or beaten? The answer is yes – under certain circumstances. For more than a hundred years, doctors, scientists and other observers have reported the connection between trauma and forgetting. But only in the past 10 years have scientific studies demonstrated a connection between childhood trauma and amnesia.

Most scientists agree that memories from infancy and early childhood – under the age of two or three – are unlikely to be remembered. Research shows that many adults who remember being sexually abused as children experienced a period when they did not remember the abuse. Scientists also have studied child victims at the time of a documented traumatic event, such as sexual abuse, and then measured how often the victims forget these events as they become adults. They discovered that some people do forget the traumatic experiences they had in childhood, even though it was established fact that the traumatic events occurred.

Q: What Makes People Remember a Traumatic Event after Such a Long Delay?

At the time of a traumatic event, the mind makes many associations with the feelings, sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch connected with the trauma. Later, similar sensations may trigger a memory of the event. While some people first remember past traumatic events during therapy, most people begin having traumatic memories out side therapy.

A variety of experiences can trigger the recall. Reading stories about other people’s trauma, watching television programs that depict traumatic events similar to the viewer’s past ex perience, experiencing a disturbing event in the present, or sitting down with family and reminiscing about a terrible shared episode – for some people, these kinds of experiences can open the floodgates of frightful and horrible memories.

My Nightmare… April 16, 2016


Dear God 1


April 16, 2016

Believing it to be the day of catastrophe in America a Mother, estranged from her 4 beloved children sent a group text to all four. “My wonderful children” she wrote. “I want you to know that I love you all no matter what, and I always will, no matter what. With deep love, Mommy”.
Within a minute 2 of her children replied expressing their love and forgiveness of past events, while the other two remained silent after reading her declaration of love for them, their hearts so filled with anger and their minds so filled with hate as a direct result of parental alienation caused in part by their father, grandmother and other family members, that they knew their silence would wound their estranged mother again. And so, willfully, and stubbornly they remained silent not telling their mother that they had any feelings for her at all. Their last thoughts were of anger toward her as the explosion rocked North America Killing most of it’s inhabitants almost instantly.
Time doesn’t exist in Heaven or Hell. The time it took to sort out the casualties of this terrible mass death may have been a blink of an eye or taken years, who knows.
As it turned out the forgiveness given to their mother by the first two children meant they would spend eternity in heaven. The hate of silence the other two showed their mother left them in hell.

I guess that left the mother …


I’m divorced since 10/2002. I was with my former for 16 years. In 2 years my time with him will be as long as my absence from him; by now I think that I should be able to function somewhat normally on a day to day basis, but that simply isn’t the case. .

People say, Give them time, they will figure it out, they will come around… that has not been MY EXPERIENCE.

How much longer will I feel this pain? My mother says that I need to move on, for my future and sanity; logically this is correct but I have told you all I can no more forget any of my children than I could cut off my own arm.

I know the guy in the movie ‘128 Hours’ did cut off his own upper arm in order to survive but the rocks he was stuck amongst didn’t call him from time to time, or talk trash about him to people who then repeated the terrible things, still being said about you 14 years later, to you because they felt ‘YOU SHOULD KNOW’…   Most recently I was told my ex told my grandaughter’s daddy that my current husband and I were having an affair when I was married to my ex… Lies, I never met my current hubby till 2/17/08. How do you fight lies like this?

I’m dying a little every day. I need help and I don’t know where to turn. I am so worried about all of my Children’s life as adults. I’m so depressed. Leah

A Letter From Before My Divorce


Wesolowski, Charles 6/10/02
To: Charles.wesolowski@XXXX.com
charles.wesolowski@XXXX.com

Hi Chuck,

After that phone call I had a lot of time to think; in fact, I can’t sleep for all the thinking I am doing.

You clever little man, puting all the things in your name; like the house and the cars, and then really, honestly, pretending like this was all my doing. You have been planning this divorce for a long time. Haven’t you?

I gave you my best years. I bore four children and let you name them. I took your inattention for over a decade. I plead with you, I argued with you and finally I began to nag at you to do the things that most husbands do automatically. Things like get the sox off the sofa, change lightbulbs, mow lawns, and most importantly to make love to me, and for over a decade my requests, pleas, and finally nagging went unheaded. When I think of all the nights I lie awake in bed while you were downstairs talking to Trent on the phone; or playing a PC game, or reading a book, or perhaps watching the TV… and I all I wanted was to feel your love… but you never touched me on those nights… It makes me feel so utterly small. Oh my the night that I really did beg you to come make love to me. And I was rebuffed by you, and a few hours later, as I lie in bed awake pining for your touch to hear the sound of soft porn music coming from the TV, to quietly tiptoe down the hall and see you on the couch masturbating… Do you have any idea how hurt I was that night, and how certian I was then that you really didn’t love me. Not the way a husband loves his wife.

You use the words “I love you” so frequently when you talk to me on the phone; even now after you have filed for a divorce from me, even now you tell me everytime we talk that you love me… and then you tell me that I do not know what love is. The fact of the matter is that I DO know what love is. Love is grace, it is powerful, and it complles us (humans) to do the right thing by each other. Love ensures us that we do not thirst for a human touch when we have true love… Love ensures us that when we are sad we are held; when we are happy we laugh, and when we are angry we know that the power that is love will not go away simply because anger has clouded our judgement. True love does not accept divorce as any type of answer to life’s problems, be they financial or otherwise. True love does not allow its children to be torn apart inside… Taken from one parent’s home to the other… A person who loves their children more than they love themselves does NOT do this to their kids. A selfish person divorces because he or she can not take the full responsibility of the committment they made to thier spouse and the child at the time it was conceived. The responsibility to give the child THE BEST upbringing possible with the MOST amount of Love.

Having the children here over the weekend made me realize once again how utterly selfish you are. You do not care what is best for them and once again you place YOUR NEEDS above the needs of your children and also me. I NEED my children to be happy. Our children NEED to feel my love every day; not when the courts so deem it. They need MY LOVE all the time. I know that you know this is true. They need YOUR LOVE every day as well. I can not be a willing participant in this divorce. This will cause irreprable harm to our kids. I can see it taking it’s toll already. I am once again pleading with you to STOP THIS NOW.

I can not, in good conscious, just sit back and let you tear four lives to pieces. You are not acting with the grace of God. Let he who lives without sin cast the first stone. Please come to your senses and stop this immediately. Even if you are not going to be “happy” for the next 18 years (or whatever); it is your job to make sure your children are happy. I will never accept a divorce. I know this is NOT the answer; I have committed my life to my children for most of the past 13 years and I will not willingly participate in something I know will harm them permanently like this divorce is doing and will continue to hurt them.

You always want things your way, but this is not something I am willing to budge on. I am not giving you a divorce and will fight it with every breath in my body. Children need 2 parents, not a granny and a part time dad. Your depriving me of being with my kids is very harmful to them. My son cried in my arms both days saying he wants to be with me. I know that he needs his mommy right now. I know all of my kids need their Mom right now. And I also know that I am their mother. Your mother is NOT.

~ ~ ~ ~

Resolution…

Immediately revoke the request for a divorce. Request a refund of the money not used from your retainer.

Tell your mother to go back to her own life. I will take care of getting my kids to and from where they need to be and I will do their homework with them, and I do not need her help – at all.

Come with me to talk to Rick on Tuesday about the Ranch house. Use the refund to place the money on that lot to hold it until we sell our house.

Start working WITH ME to clear out all the stuff we do not need anylonger, we can have Garage sales every day if we need to and just put that money toward debt and make you feel better. Stop making it a challenge to see who can do the least.

Start paying exclusive attention to each other in the bedroom for at least 1/2 hour a day. Touching each other, and making each other feel physically good. EQUALLY.

Drop the Saco and I will drop the HOA and we call it even mistakes with the divorce included and we go on. We work around it. We go to a local counsellor if we need to until retrovallie, and we just keep working on it. If it was easy 2 out of 3 couples would not be breaking up. But so what. We can do this.

~ ~ ~ ~

Let me know Monday.

Make the right decision.

I do love you, you are my best friend. Stop hurting me.

The difference between tattooed people and those without tattoos is tattoed people don’t care if you have a tattoo.

A great Blog on Gaslighting or Gaslamping


A must read if you feel your going CrAzY!

Fellow WordPress Blogger

      “betternotbroken”  penned this fabulous description on Gaslamping.  The term comes from a Fantastic movie featuring one of my all time favorite actresses Ingrid Bergman. I was once being Gaslamped by my former spouse… at times it was every bit as terrifying as a Hitchcock movie.