First I want to say that being separated and BLOCKED from your children (FOR NO REASON other than retaliation by the child’s other parent) is one hell of a problem that people simply DON’T understand, and is very difficult to get help for. Parental Alienation is a problem which makes those who are dealing with it feel like a deserted island; alone and isolated from seemingly everyone, a societal pariah, JUDGED unworthy of parenting their very own children. You hear the talk, “You know his kids won’t even call him.” Or, “I wonder if he molested them, they never visit.”
As an analogy, you may feel like a smoker taking a smoke break, outside and out of any thoroughfare, consideration having been given by you to nonsmokers, and you isolated yourself. There you are, outside, alone, and every now and then someone passes you by and makes a face, pinches their nose, dramatically coughs to express how disgusting your habit is to them. The do this not because your smoke is bothering them as you are nowhere near enough to have them smell the cigarette; they simply treat you as an OUTCAST they shun you and hurt your feelings because they don’t want to be near a smoker, having been told that even outdoors you could kill them. Yet these same people do much worse they sit around fires built with questionable things, treated woods, particle board, even garbage containing gosh knows what/
DON’T LOSE HOPE
Every once and awhile another smoker may join you on the bench and for that 10 minutes of camaraderie, you feel a little glimmer of acceptance and understanding. That 10 minutes is meaningful to you in a healing way.
Being harmed by being ousted from your children’s lives affects EVERY aspect of your life, from health, to self-esteem, job performance, and mental wellbeing etc…
The problem is that enough of us are NOT suing outside of family court for Personal injury / Slander / Defamation / and asking for punitive damagesas a result of this alienation.
I further believe that in some cases, this could be brought to a Federal Judge as a violation of a person’s Civil Rights due to discrimination (as in my case). I FIRMLY believe my ADA (American’s with Disabilities Act) rights were trampled by the Judge(s), and the opposing lawyer. I wonder how many of us were suffering an emotional breakdown, or a physical handicap that pressured the marriage into divorce?
As most of us know, when breadwinners lose income it stresses a marriage a lot. If the breadwinner was out of work due to disability this also makes it an ADA case (IMHO).
It is my NON-LAWYER opinion that issues such as these are WELL addressed in CIVIL or FEDERAL court with the time honored rules in place that help JUSTICE prevail. Civil Courts and/or Federal Courts should be able to hear issues within Family Court cases especially when there are Damages, or Constitutional Rights violations. Instead of FAMILY COURT, which is not obligated to prove anything to the standards of other courts and is very open to abuse based upon its lack of standards of evidence, weak requirements of actual proof, bias by officials, unfairness based upon indigence, lack of jury, and possibly payola of caseworkers, and maybe even Judges, especially those who are not elected.
Once the Civil Court or Federal Court has heard and decided the merits of a case related Family Court actions, especially when they awarded damages, that judgement SHOULD qualify to be presented in Family Court as evidence of Contempt of the divorce decree (almost every State has language prohibiting custodial parents from making derogatory remarks about non-custodial parents). Once your case is proven the Family Court should give much weight to all findings, decisions, judgements, or mandates passed down by these other courts.
I ALSO believe in that in cases where another court finds punitive damages in favor of the alienated parent, that this could be a game changer in the custodial parent’s behavior; they don’t want to have a judgement against them that could become very public and costly, and possibly custody changing.
I am very interested in locating lawyers who are willing to bring these claims outside of family court. Proving damages is EASY, it is similar to a Workman’s Comp claim, and a good litigation attorney should prevail. I would like my case heard in Federal Court as a discrimination and violation of my civil rights under the ADA.
I spent 30 years as a private investigator and I know how to research law, write pleadings, and even testify as to what I observed as an investigator.
To the father who posted this, please see a counsellor, and phone a friend who will support you emotionally. Don’t be a deserted Island, be an isthmus, there are people going through the same thing and you are not alone, even though you may feel that way.
Change is up to you, me, and everyone facing Parental Alienation.
God Bless you all,
God Bless America,
God Bless the Children!
Nov, 9th 2015.
Wesolowski, Charles 6/10/02
After that phone call I had a lot of time to think; in fact, I can’t sleep for all the thinking I am doing.
You clever little man, puting all the things in your name; like the house and the cars, and then really, honestly, pretending like this was all my doing. You have been planning this divorce for a long time. Haven’t you?
I gave you my best years. I bore four children and let you name them. I took your inattention for over a decade. I plead with you, I argued with you and finally I began to nag at you to do the things that most husbands do automatically. Things like get the sox off the sofa, change lightbulbs, mow lawns, and most importantly to make love to me, and for over a decade my requests, pleas, and finally nagging went unheaded. When I think of all the nights I lie awake in bed while you were downstairs talking to Trent on the phone; or playing a PC game, or reading a book, or perhaps watching the TV… and I all I wanted was to feel your love… but you never touched me on those nights… It makes me feel so utterly small. Oh my the night that I really did beg you to come make love to me. And I was rebuffed by you, and a few hours later, as I lie in bed awake pining for your touch to hear the sound of soft porn music coming from the TV, to quietly tiptoe down the hall and see you on the couch masturbating… Do you have any idea how hurt I was that night, and how certian I was then that you really didn’t love me. Not the way a husband loves his wife.
You use the words “I love you” so frequently when you talk to me on the phone; even now after you have filed for a divorce from me, even now you tell me everytime we talk that you love me… and then you tell me that I do not know what love is. The fact of the matter is that I DO know what love is. Love is grace, it is powerful, and it complles us (humans) to do the right thing by each other. Love ensures us that we do not thirst for a human touch when we have true love… Love ensures us that when we are sad we are held; when we are happy we laugh, and when we are angry we know that the power that is love will not go away simply because anger has clouded our judgement. True love does not accept divorce as any type of answer to life’s problems, be they financial or otherwise. True love does not allow its children to be torn apart inside… Taken from one parent’s home to the other… A person who loves their children more than they love themselves does NOT do this to their kids. A selfish person divorces because he or she can not take the full responsibility of the committment they made to thier spouse and the child at the time it was conceived. The responsibility to give the child THE BEST upbringing possible with the MOST amount of Love.
Having the children here over the weekend made me realize once again how utterly selfish you are. You do not care what is best for them and once again you place YOUR NEEDS above the needs of your children and also me. I NEED my children to be happy. Our children NEED to feel my love every day; not when the courts so deem it. They need MY LOVE all the time. I know that you know this is true. They need YOUR LOVE every day as well. I can not be a willing participant in this divorce. This will cause irreprable harm to our kids. I can see it taking it’s toll already. I am once again pleading with you to STOP THIS NOW.
I can not, in good conscious, just sit back and let you tear four lives to pieces. You are not acting with the grace of God. Let he who lives without sin cast the first stone. Please come to your senses and stop this immediately. Even if you are not going to be “happy” for the next 18 years (or whatever); it is your job to make sure your children are happy. I will never accept a divorce. I know this is NOT the answer; I have committed my life to my children for most of the past 13 years and I will not willingly participate in something I know will harm them permanently like this divorce is doing and will continue to hurt them.
You always want things your way, but this is not something I am willing to budge on. I am not giving you a divorce and will fight it with every breath in my body. Children need 2 parents, not a granny and a part time dad. Your depriving me of being with my kids is very harmful to them. My son cried in my arms both days saying he wants to be with me. I know that he needs his mommy right now. I know all of my kids need their Mom right now. And I also know that I am their mother. Your mother is NOT.
~ ~ ~ ~
Immediately revoke the request for a divorce. Request a refund of the money not used from your retainer.
Tell your mother to go back to her own life. I will take care of getting my kids to and from where they need to be and I will do their homework with them, and I do not need her help – at all.
Come with me to talk to Rick on Tuesday about the Ranch house. Use the refund to place the money on that lot to hold it until we sell our house.
Start working WITH ME to clear out all the stuff we do not need anylonger, we can have Garage sales every day if we need to and just put that money toward debt and make you feel better. Stop making it a challenge to see who can do the least.
Start paying exclusive attention to each other in the bedroom for at least 1/2 hour a day. Touching each other, and making each other feel physically good. EQUALLY.
Drop the Saco and I will drop the HOA and we call it even mistakes with the divorce included and we go on. We work around it. We go to a local counsellor if we need to until retrovallie, and we just keep working on it. If it was easy 2 out of 3 couples would not be breaking up. But so what. We can do this.
~ ~ ~ ~
Let me know Monday.
Make the right decision.
I do love you, you are my best friend. Stop hurting me.
The difference between tattooed people and those without tattoos is tattoed people don’t care if you have a tattoo.
I recently wrote a private letter to the Stepmother asking her if we could bury the hatchet now that I am frequently invited to Al. to see my granddaughter. I have had no reply, I assume that means no.
I posted a link in the step-parents area at reddit/divorce and I was shocked to have such negative feedback. People telling me to remain out of my newly reunited, adult children’s lives and to leave SM alone. I just DON’T understand WHY people can’t get along? Why does it have to be ONLY her, and how could she really hate a person she has never taken 10 minutes to know?
I really am struggling with these questions because I want to be able to attend future events, weddings, christenings, Holy Communion, all of it. I do not want my kids to have to pick one of us, we are adults and I feel we should be able to be in the same room civilly, for the KIDS! Please post new thoughts below…
Although we have never spent any time together I believe that you and I COULD become friendly, if not friends.
First off; let me again express my gratitude to you for guiding my children into adulthood. I honestly believe that without your influence they would not have achieved so much. I can’t thank you enough for loving them. Sincere, heartfelt THANKS!
Now I need to address some issues that I feel we, yes, you and I TOGETHER, need to come to terms with.
The number one thing that Wanda told me you said about me that really hurt my feelings was, “anybody can spit out four kids”. I have serious issues with that statement because it is a falsehood number one; because the children are mine, they are NOT your flesh and blood. Yes, you were there for them the past 7 years or so, but that doesn’t make them your children. It makes the children your family, people you love and people you are partially responsible for, still they will always be 50% of my genetic code and no matter how much you love them you can’t replace me. You can’t change their genetic make-up and as much as I believe you wish you could erase all traces of me from them, you can’t. I suggest that you come to terms with this and try to comprehend the special bond of mother and child which I have observed to remain intact even when a child is separated from their biological mother from birth.
Allow me to give you an example from my own life. You may not know this about me but I was adopted. I had a burning desire to find my biological family, my roots, at a very young age. To that end I began adoption research at the age of 15. I spent countless hours scouring records of “Chattle” (yes, sickening that Arizona used a livestock sales column to post adoption announcements) helping so many other people in the Az Search Triad, but never successfully locating my own announcement.
After Charlene was born I became obsessed really with locating my birth mother, and after much research I finally found her.
What she experienced the day I called her for the first time clearly demonstrates the connection between mother and child that remans unbroken through time.
My birth mother, June, (Wanda June is named after both Chuck’s mother and my birth mother) is the type of woman who’s only idle time is when she is asleep. She never really stops doing. The day I first called her was one of the rare moments in her life where she simply paused, by the telephone no less, in certain anticipation of a call from a daughter she had never met. Call it a psychic connection, a twinned cell, or, as I believe, a blood bond, she knew the baby she placed for adoption was going to call her that day and she was ready.
Jill I am not telling you this to make a comparison between the love our children have for mother or step mother. I trying desperately to explain that EVERYONE in this family will be far better off with more love rather than more pain. I would never force my children to choose between you and I, not for fear of the outcome, but because it is simply UNNECESSARY for them to make any such choice.
Now Jill, my children are almost all adults and I realize that they can decide never to speak to me again. How do you think they will feel when they have their own children and become aware of the deception and mean-spirited tactics that have pushed me away since the moment you became an important part of their lives? Do you believe that they will overlook the awful things you and Robin have said about me over the years?
I am betting adulthood will open their eyes to just how mean you have been to me. I HONESTLY Hope they don’t become so angry with you for the accusations, the not telling them I called, wrote, or flew 1200 miles to see them only to be threatened by you with trespass charges if I didn’t leave. Jill, as deeply as you have hurt me, I don’t wish this pain upon you.
I think of ALL of you everyday and while sometimes I am filled with pain, which ultimately leads to anger, for the most part I think of you fondly. I imagine you teaching Wanda to read music, encouraging Daniel to pursue drama, and holding the grandchildren I will never hold, with the love and adoration they clearly deserve. I imagine the pain you feel, as I once felt, being ignored intimately by a man who was sadly taught that sexual intercourse was something women despised, and that showing affection or being publicly affectionate was inappropriate even for man and wife. I imagine you crying alone realizing they will soon be gone and that even though you are married to a great guy, you will soon be very lonely.
Jill, I will always welcome any positive relationship with you. I would be able to overcome the painful past if you would simply reach out in sincere friendship to me. We have much in common, my kids have told me this time and again. I was told by Daniel that I left hurtful messages on your answering machine for you. I honestly do not recall trying to be hurtful towards you; yet I know that when I am in pain I can be very mean. I know this sounds like I am making excuses, I am not. There is no excuse if I hurt you; and if I did I am truly sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.
Jill, please, I am begging you to start to TRY to add me to your life.
I hope you will forgive my lack of attention to this blog as of late, you see, I have been going through a serious trauma completely unrelated to the subject of this blog. After months of counselling and reliving a part of my life I wanted to bury deep, I finally see light at the end of that tunnel. So as I near the end of that journey I am relieved and I am feeling so much better about EVERYTHING! I can’t tell you about it yet, maybe never will, yet I will say this, your past can’t be buried it must be faced and dealt with. If you can face things rather forgotten, it is like being set free. It is like a second chance at happiness.
And now onto my Blog on Parental Alienation and Healing…
Let me start by recalling a dream I’ve had twice this month. Such a weird dream I have no idea what to make of it. In the dream, Jill, my kids stepmother, is patiently and kindly, sitting next to me trying to teach me to play Vivaldi on a beautiful, shiny black, grand piano. We are both smiling, we seem happy, we seem like true friends, maybe even family. Her playing is superb and I simply love it. She has given me 3 keys to play and nods when I am meant to play them. Together we play, together we enjoy music. That is it; that’s the whole dream.
If any of you expert dream interpreters out there can give me your opinion of this repeated dream, I am all ears.
My daughter Libby is due to bring forth my 3rd grandchild in July. So far this will be the only grandchild I have even met. I have been not only invited to be there, but told explicitly that I am wanted in the labor and delivery room.
To me this seems only fair for me to be in that room with Libby because of what happened when she attended my prenatal appointment back in 1995, when I was pregnant with her sister Wanda. Back then she certainly got the up-close view of my pregnant reproductive parts and then some.
You see, I was at the OB/GYN and little Libby was sitting in the chair next to the door when my very English (as in Great Britain) doc came into the room in a flurry as was her style.
I was naked under paper garments, I was lying on the table feet in stirrups, and a paper sheet blocked my view of all activity below my waist. The Doc asked me the usual questions, “How’s everything?…” and then she asked “Is it okay with you if your daughter is here for the exam?”
“Of course” I replied, my eyes fixed on the fluorescent light fixture in the ceiling. “Okay” she said somewhat under her breath, as she proceeded to insert the speculum into my vagina.
Next thing I know I hear her talking softly and explaining… ‘this is where babies come from’, and ‘I’m just checking to see if everything with your mommy is alright’. Then I felt the tiny finger press on something reserved only for my husband and I realized that my sweet, always calm, obedient, capable of sitting still for 5 minutes, daughter (can you feel the sarcasm?) Libby, had popped up when the doc entered and proceeded to observe and participate in my full exam.
I pretended it was normal (ha ha ha!); further I believe the Doc was glad to deviate from her solo routine of pregnant vulva inspections. Needless to say this visit to the Doc’ became one of those things I will never forget.
So I am Alabama bound in July.
I wish I could calmly state that going back has no emotional attachment, other than the excitement over the bringing of a new life into this world, but in fact I am bombarded with anticipatory emotions, pummelled with quite possibly irrational emotions and made up scenarios in which I once again am made the odd man out.
Oh don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t miss this for the world. Even if it means I have to hear one or more of my other children say something heartbreaking, or face a Jill who would rather drop a piano on my head than teach me to play it (Not saying that she would, just hoping she won’t).
So the excitement builds as the due date is just about a month out.
Pray for me, Dear readers. Pray all is well for my grandchildren (every one of them), pray for my family and all of it’s new members.