Category Archives: recovery

Daughter and Dad Ecstatic


hadn’t seen dad in 12 years  It was a birthday to remember for 13-year-old Rory Beth Blankenship.
The Oklahoma teen’s eyes were covered by two blindfolds for the ultimate surprise: being reunited with her father, James, after 12 years apart.

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When A Song Breaks Your Heart and Time Makes You LOVE IT


 

I am the “Momma” in this song.

The first time I heard it I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. It hurt…

Since then, due a lot to counseling and input from friends who’s parents divorced, I have come to view this song not as an attempt to hurt anyone, but instead I can simply appreciate the song for what it is; beautiful like the person who wrote it.

Momma a3579273866_2 From “Not A Hipster”

License copyright 2013 wanda june wesolowski all rights reserved

 

“Baby girl, you’d better call your momma tonight
Baby girl, tell your momma that you’re doing alright”

I don’t know where to go from here, I
Haven’t seen momma in a year
Why can’t she see I don’t wanna
Hear it, not tonight?

“Baby girl, your momma bought you something today.”
“Baby girl, don’t you have something that you wanna say?”

I don’t know if I can thank you for
Trying to make up after losing that War
Momma, buying love won’t fix us, not tonight

And I know you’re trying so hard
All the gifts & all the birthday cards
Momma, you just need to give me time to think
To grow
To blink
And know

I think I’d better call my momma tonight….

Released 01 August 2013
Tags
Tags: Parental Alienation syndrome, Divorce, child abuse, PAS, folk, independent, songwriter, ukulele, madison, alabama, Huntsville
License copyright 2013 wanda june wesolowski all rights reserved

USED with Permission

BOOK RECOMENDATION

Being Stuck by Walter Singleton


https://waltersingletons.wordpress.com/Well, today I feel stuck. Just absolutely stuck. The pain of missing my children is always there to some degree, but today more than anything I feel completely FRUSTRATED. Helpless. I know where my…

Source: 9/20/16 – Being Stuck

Parental Alienation is TRAUMA


Losing A Parent is Childhood Trauma

The popular press has reported many stories about adults who suddenly remember having been abused as children. Some media reports have emphasized the unusual circumstances or content of such recovered memories while other reports have declared that the “recovery” of memories of abuse is false for a variety of reasons. Little in the press, however, has dealt with the science relating to memories of childhood trauma. 

The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies

is working on life affecting issues arising from trauma exposure of many origins.  According to their research memories can not only be false, but they can be planted by others!

Q: Are Recovered Memories Always Accurate?

Scientists believe that recovered memories – including recovered memories of childhood trauma – are not always accurate. When people remember childhood trauma and later say their memory was wrong, there is no way to know which memory was accurate – the one that claims the trauma happened or the one that claims it did not.

Q: How Might False Memories Develop?

A great deal of laboratory research involving normal people in everyday situations demonstrates that memory is not perfect. Evidence shows that memory can be influenced by other people and situations; that people can make up stories to fill in memory gaps, and that people can be persuaded to believe they heard, saw or experienced events that did not really happen. Studies also reveal that people who have inaccurate memories can strongly believe they are true.

Sad man in space
Alone in Space

 

Q: Is it Possible to Forget Childhood Trauma?

People forget names, dates, faces and even entire events all the time. But is it possible to forget terrible experiences such as being raped? Or beaten? The answer is yes – under certain circumstances. For more than a hundred years, doctors, scientists and other observers have reported the connection between trauma and forgetting. But only in the past 10 years have scientific studies demonstrated a connection between childhood trauma and amnesia.

Most scientists agree that memories from infancy and early childhood – under the age of two or three – are unlikely to be remembered. Research shows that many adults who remember being sexually abused as children experienced a period when they did not remember the abuse. Scientists also have studied child victims at the time of a documented traumatic event, such as sexual abuse, and then measured how often the victims forget these events as they become adults. They discovered that some people do forget the traumatic experiences they had in childhood, even though it was established fact that the traumatic events occurred.

Q: What Makes People Remember a Traumatic Event after Such a Long Delay?

At the time of a traumatic event, the mind makes many associations with the feelings, sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch connected with the trauma. Later, similar sensations may trigger a memory of the event. While some people first remember past traumatic events during therapy, most people begin having traumatic memories out side therapy.

A variety of experiences can trigger the recall. Reading stories about other people’s trauma, watching television programs that depict traumatic events similar to the viewer’s past ex perience, experiencing a disturbing event in the present, or sitting down with family and reminiscing about a terrible shared episode – for some people, these kinds of experiences can open the floodgates of frightful and horrible memories.

My Nightmare… April 16, 2016


Dear God 1


April 16, 2016

Believing it to be the day of catastrophe in America a Mother, estranged from her 4 beloved children sent a group text to all four. “My wonderful children” she wrote. “I want you to know that I love you all no matter what, and I always will, no matter what. With deep love, Mommy”.
Within a minute 2 of her children replied expressing their love and forgiveness of past events, while the other two remained silent after reading her declaration of love for them, their hearts so filled with anger and their minds so filled with hate as a direct result of parental alienation caused in part by their father, grandmother and other family members, that they knew their silence would wound their estranged mother again. And so, willfully, and stubbornly they remained silent not telling their mother that they had any feelings for her at all. Their last thoughts were of anger toward her as the explosion rocked North America Killing most of it’s inhabitants almost instantly.
Time doesn’t exist in Heaven or Hell. The time it took to sort out the casualties of this terrible mass death may have been a blink of an eye or taken years, who knows.
As it turned out the forgiveness given to their mother by the first two children meant they would spend eternity in heaven. The hate of silence the other two showed their mother left them in hell.

I guess that left the mother …


I’m divorced since 10/2002. I was with my former for 16 years. In 2 years my time with him will be as long as my absence from him; by now I think that I should be able to function somewhat normally on a day to day basis, but that simply isn’t the case. .

People say, Give them time, they will figure it out, they will come around… that has not been MY EXPERIENCE.

How much longer will I feel this pain? My mother says that I need to move on, for my future and sanity; logically this is correct but I have told you all I can no more forget any of my children than I could cut off my own arm.

I know the guy in the movie ‘128 Hours’ did cut off his own upper arm in order to survive but the rocks he was stuck amongst didn’t call him from time to time, or talk trash about him to people who then repeated the terrible things, still being said about you 14 years later, to you because they felt ‘YOU SHOULD KNOW’…   Most recently I was told my ex told my grandaughter’s daddy that my current husband and I were having an affair when I was married to my ex… Lies, I never met my current hubby till 2/17/08. How do you fight lies like this?

I’m dying a little every day. I need help and I don’t know where to turn. I am so worried about all of my Children’s life as adults. I’m so depressed. Leah

The Missing Years


Source: The Missing Years

The Missing Years

Alienation is a cruel experience because it removes from a child or young person the opportunity to engage with all of the aspects of people who love them in ways that enable them to accept that people can do good and bad things.  It causes children and young people to adopt coping mechanisms of cutting out or running off, of avoidance of conflict and of heightened self righteousness in the wrong place at the wrong time. In the brain of the child, the critical firing of neurons and synapses fails to take place and the opportunity to build conflict resolution skills, perspective and a strong sense of self is lost. The false self  which emerges through the missing years when a child is alienated is a ghost like persona, fragile and uncertain, masking fears and anxieties and a sense of self which is both over inflated and crumbling all at the same time.  What happens to children and young people who are pushed into an alienation reaction is that so much more is lost than the relationship with a once loved parent. That is why prevention of this harm done to children is so essential, those missing years steal more than love from a parent, they steal the very chance a child has to build a normal and secure sense of self.

I work with children who are being alienated, who are alienated and who are struggling to recover from alienation. I meet them almost daily in my work and I understand that what they are experiencing is a complex trauma which is deeply hidden from the outside world. So well hidden in fact that most of the children I work with do not know it is there and most of them would tell me and anyone else who asks them that they do not need help thank you very much, apart from help in removing the target of their hatred from their lives.  Work in such circumstances is counter intuitive, it is against the grain of what we are taught in our society and what we believe about children.  A child’s decision to eradicate a  parent is often accepted on the basis that the parent must have done something bad or that the child needs to be protected from conflict. If we only knew what we were condemning children to when we allow this to happen, many more of us would work harder, strive longer and find more creative ways of keeping children engaged with the parent they have ‘chosen’ to be rid of in their lives.

There is increasing evidence which  demonstrates that the underlying problems which arise as a result of rejecting a parent, leaves the  child carrying a burden which grows heavier as they get older.  Children who are allowed to reject a parent and pretend that the parent no longer exists, fail to learn many  soft skills that are essential in life if one is to navigate the relational world successfully. Children who have been alienated grow up believing that only their perspective on the world is the true reality and that avoiding people who do not share their world view is a normal way to behave. As young people grow, those missing years of relationship with a parent means that they do not have the opportunity to learn that parents are people who provide boundaries and they miss the chance to respond normally to the differences which are eventually expressed between parents and  their children on the road through to adulthood.  This is why alienated children will eventually struggle. The vital relationships with provide them with the opportunity for healthy brain development which in turn gives them sound relational skills and capacity have been cut out of their lives.  If only those working with families in these circumstances knew the extent of the damage being inflicted when a child’s ‘decision’ to reject a parent after separation is being upheld.

Recovery from being alienated is about being able to learn that people can behave in ways which are good and bad and that those behaviours do not need to trigger a defence mechanism of believing that bad behaviour means a person is wholly bad. This is an extraordinary task to achieve if the capacity of the brain is limited because a person has been using the coping mechanism of psychological splitting.  There is evidence that people with personality disorders for example, do not have a well developed corpus callosum. This is a bridge which divides the two hemispheres of the brain and which is made up of a bundle of fibres which enable communication between the two sides of the brain. A well developed bridge assists with a balanced use of the brain, in studies however, people withborderline personality disorder are seen as having a less developed corpus callosum, as are those with high conflict personalities who lack the relational skills to see other people’s perspectives.

All of this evidence is convincing us at the Family Separation Clinic that what we see in children and young people who are attempting to reject or resist contact with a parent after separation are behaviours which will, if they are upheld, lead to longer term problems for the children concerned. Problems which will not be readily resolved because the missing years of that parental relationship and the lack of resolution of the child’s efforts to utilise a coping mechanism which is harmful,  leads to a  lasting gap in the child’s capacity to achieve positive and healthy brain function.  Fortunately we also know that about the plasticity of the brain and its capacity to continue to grow and change. Which means that whilst those missing years can never be regained, there is a possibility for repair and recovery should the young person be enabled to resolve the splitting which prevents reconnection to the lost loved one.

Missing years, missing knowledge, missing opportunities to prevent harm being done to children in the critical years of their lives.  Isn’t it time that someone noticed that the gap which opens up between parents after separation causes children to have to deal with something more than conflict?

This is another Huffington Post Blog for W/C February 15 2016