Category Archives: recovery

When A Song Breaks Your Heart and Time Makes You LOVE IT


 

I am the “Momma” in this song.

The first time I heard it I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. It hurt…

Since then, due a lot to counseling and input from friends who’s parents divorced, I have come to view this song not as an attempt to hurt anyone, but instead I can simply appreciate the song for what it is; beautiful like the person who wrote it.

Momma a3579273866_2 From “Not A Hipster”

License copyright 2013 wanda june wesolowski all rights reserved

 

“Baby girl, you’d better call your momma tonight
Baby girl, tell your momma that you’re doing alright”

I don’t know where to go from here, I
Haven’t seen momma in a year
Why can’t she see I don’t wanna
Hear it, not tonight?

“Baby girl, your momma bought you something today.”
“Baby girl, don’t you have something that you wanna say?”

I don’t know if I can thank you for
Trying to make up after losing that War
Momma, buying love won’t fix us, not tonight

And I know you’re trying so hard
All the gifts & all the birthday cards
Momma, you just need to give me time to think
To grow
To blink
And know

I think I’d better call my momma tonight….

Released 01 August 2013
Tags
Tags: Parental Alienation syndrome, Divorce, child abuse, PAS, folk, independent, songwriter, ukulele, madison, alabama, Huntsville
License copyright 2013 wanda june wesolowski all rights reserved

USED with Permission

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Being Stuck by Walter Singleton


https://waltersingletons.wordpress.com/Well, today I feel stuck. Just absolutely stuck. The pain of missing my children is always there to some degree, but today more than anything I feel completely FRUSTRATED. Helpless. I know where my…

Source: 9/20/16 – Being Stuck

Parental Alienation is TRAUMA


Losing A Parent is Childhood Trauma

The popular press has reported many stories about adults who suddenly remember having been abused as children. Some media reports have emphasized the unusual circumstances or content of such recovered memories while other reports have declared that the “recovery” of memories of abuse is false for a variety of reasons. Little in the press, however, has dealt with the science relating to memories of childhood trauma. 

The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies

is working on life affecting issues arising from trauma exposure of many origins.  According to their research memories can not only be false, but they can be planted by others!

Q: Are Recovered Memories Always Accurate?

Scientists believe that recovered memories – including recovered memories of childhood trauma – are not always accurate. When people remember childhood trauma and later say their memory was wrong, there is no way to know which memory was accurate – the one that claims the trauma happened or the one that claims it did not.

Q: How Might False Memories Develop?

A great deal of laboratory research involving normal people in everyday situations demonstrates that memory is not perfect. Evidence shows that memory can be influenced by other people and situations; that people can make up stories to fill in memory gaps, and that people can be persuaded to believe they heard, saw or experienced events that did not really happen. Studies also reveal that people who have inaccurate memories can strongly believe they are true.

Sad man in space
Alone in Space

 

Q: Is it Possible to Forget Childhood Trauma?

People forget names, dates, faces and even entire events all the time. But is it possible to forget terrible experiences such as being raped? Or beaten? The answer is yes – under certain circumstances. For more than a hundred years, doctors, scientists and other observers have reported the connection between trauma and forgetting. But only in the past 10 years have scientific studies demonstrated a connection between childhood trauma and amnesia.

Most scientists agree that memories from infancy and early childhood – under the age of two or three – are unlikely to be remembered. Research shows that many adults who remember being sexually abused as children experienced a period when they did not remember the abuse. Scientists also have studied child victims at the time of a documented traumatic event, such as sexual abuse, and then measured how often the victims forget these events as they become adults. They discovered that some people do forget the traumatic experiences they had in childhood, even though it was established fact that the traumatic events occurred.

Q: What Makes People Remember a Traumatic Event after Such a Long Delay?

At the time of a traumatic event, the mind makes many associations with the feelings, sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch connected with the trauma. Later, similar sensations may trigger a memory of the event. While some people first remember past traumatic events during therapy, most people begin having traumatic memories out side therapy.

A variety of experiences can trigger the recall. Reading stories about other people’s trauma, watching television programs that depict traumatic events similar to the viewer’s past ex perience, experiencing a disturbing event in the present, or sitting down with family and reminiscing about a terrible shared episode – for some people, these kinds of experiences can open the floodgates of frightful and horrible memories.

My Nightmare… April 16, 2016


Dear God 1


April 16, 2016

Believing it to be the day of catastrophe in America a Mother, estranged from her 4 beloved children sent a group text to all four. “My wonderful children” she wrote. “I want you to know that I love you all no matter what, and I always will, no matter what. With deep love, Mommy”.
Within a minute 2 of her children replied expressing their love and forgiveness of past events, while the other two remained silent after reading her declaration of love for them, their hearts so filled with anger and their minds so filled with hate as a direct result of parental alienation caused in part by their father, grandmother and other family members, that they knew their silence would wound their estranged mother again. And so, willfully, and stubbornly they remained silent not telling their mother that they had any feelings for her at all. Their last thoughts were of anger toward her as the explosion rocked North America Killing most of it’s inhabitants almost instantly.
Time doesn’t exist in Heaven or Hell. The time it took to sort out the casualties of this terrible mass death may have been a blink of an eye or taken years, who knows.
As it turned out the forgiveness given to their mother by the first two children meant they would spend eternity in heaven. The hate of silence the other two showed their mother left them in hell.

I guess that left the mother …


I’m divorced since 10/2002. I was with my former for 16 years. In 2 years my time with him will be as long as my absence from him; by now I think that I should be able to function somewhat normally on a day to day basis, but that simply isn’t the case. .

People say, Give them time, they will figure it out, they will come around… that has not been MY EXPERIENCE.

How much longer will I feel this pain? My mother says that I need to move on, for my future and sanity; logically this is correct but I have told you all I can no more forget any of my children than I could cut off my own arm.

I know the guy in the movie ‘128 Hours’ did cut off his own upper arm in order to survive but the rocks he was stuck amongst didn’t call him from time to time, or talk trash about him to people who then repeated the terrible things, still being said about you 14 years later, to you because they felt ‘YOU SHOULD KNOW’…   Most recently I was told my ex told my grandaughter’s daddy that my current husband and I were having an affair when I was married to my ex… Lies, I never met my current hubby till 2/17/08. How do you fight lies like this?

I’m dying a little every day. I need help and I don’t know where to turn. I am so worried about all of my Children’s life as adults. I’m so depressed. Leah

The Missing Years


Source: The Missing Years

The Missing Years

Alienation is a cruel experience because it removes from a child or young person the opportunity to engage with all of the aspects of people who love them in ways that enable them to accept that people can do good and bad things.  It causes children and young people to adopt coping mechanisms of cutting out or running off, of avoidance of conflict and of heightened self righteousness in the wrong place at the wrong time. In the brain of the child, the critical firing of neurons and synapses fails to take place and the opportunity to build conflict resolution skills, perspective and a strong sense of self is lost. The false self  which emerges through the missing years when a child is alienated is a ghost like persona, fragile and uncertain, masking fears and anxieties and a sense of self which is both over inflated and crumbling all at the same time.  What happens to children and young people who are pushed into an alienation reaction is that so much more is lost than the relationship with a once loved parent. That is why prevention of this harm done to children is so essential, those missing years steal more than love from a parent, they steal the very chance a child has to build a normal and secure sense of self.

I work with children who are being alienated, who are alienated and who are struggling to recover from alienation. I meet them almost daily in my work and I understand that what they are experiencing is a complex trauma which is deeply hidden from the outside world. So well hidden in fact that most of the children I work with do not know it is there and most of them would tell me and anyone else who asks them that they do not need help thank you very much, apart from help in removing the target of their hatred from their lives.  Work in such circumstances is counter intuitive, it is against the grain of what we are taught in our society and what we believe about children.  A child’s decision to eradicate a  parent is often accepted on the basis that the parent must have done something bad or that the child needs to be protected from conflict. If we only knew what we were condemning children to when we allow this to happen, many more of us would work harder, strive longer and find more creative ways of keeping children engaged with the parent they have ‘chosen’ to be rid of in their lives.

There is increasing evidence which  demonstrates that the underlying problems which arise as a result of rejecting a parent, leaves the  child carrying a burden which grows heavier as they get older.  Children who are allowed to reject a parent and pretend that the parent no longer exists, fail to learn many  soft skills that are essential in life if one is to navigate the relational world successfully. Children who have been alienated grow up believing that only their perspective on the world is the true reality and that avoiding people who do not share their world view is a normal way to behave. As young people grow, those missing years of relationship with a parent means that they do not have the opportunity to learn that parents are people who provide boundaries and they miss the chance to respond normally to the differences which are eventually expressed between parents and  their children on the road through to adulthood.  This is why alienated children will eventually struggle. The vital relationships with provide them with the opportunity for healthy brain development which in turn gives them sound relational skills and capacity have been cut out of their lives.  If only those working with families in these circumstances knew the extent of the damage being inflicted when a child’s ‘decision’ to reject a parent after separation is being upheld.

Recovery from being alienated is about being able to learn that people can behave in ways which are good and bad and that those behaviours do not need to trigger a defence mechanism of believing that bad behaviour means a person is wholly bad. This is an extraordinary task to achieve if the capacity of the brain is limited because a person has been using the coping mechanism of psychological splitting.  There is evidence that people with personality disorders for example, do not have a well developed corpus callosum. This is a bridge which divides the two hemispheres of the brain and which is made up of a bundle of fibres which enable communication between the two sides of the brain. A well developed bridge assists with a balanced use of the brain, in studies however, people withborderline personality disorder are seen as having a less developed corpus callosum, as are those with high conflict personalities who lack the relational skills to see other people’s perspectives.

All of this evidence is convincing us at the Family Separation Clinic that what we see in children and young people who are attempting to reject or resist contact with a parent after separation are behaviours which will, if they are upheld, lead to longer term problems for the children concerned. Problems which will not be readily resolved because the missing years of that parental relationship and the lack of resolution of the child’s efforts to utilise a coping mechanism which is harmful,  leads to a  lasting gap in the child’s capacity to achieve positive and healthy brain function.  Fortunately we also know that about the plasticity of the brain and its capacity to continue to grow and change. Which means that whilst those missing years can never be regained, there is a possibility for repair and recovery should the young person be enabled to resolve the splitting which prevents reconnection to the lost loved one.

Missing years, missing knowledge, missing opportunities to prevent harm being done to children in the critical years of their lives.  Isn’t it time that someone noticed that the gap which opens up between parents after separation causes children to have to deal with something more than conflict?

This is another Huffington Post Blog for W/C February 15 2016

An Open Letter to My Children’s Stepmother


  • * * * UPDATE to My Readers * * *
  • I recently wrote a private letter to the Stepmother asking her if we could bury the hatchet now that I am frequently invited to Al. to see my granddaughter. I have had no reply, I assume that means no.
  • I posted a link in the step-parents area at reddit/divorce and I was shocked to have such negative feedback.  People telling me to remain out of my newly reunited, adult children’s lives and to leave SM alone.  I just DON’T understand WHY people can’t get along?  Why does it have to be ONLY her, and how could she really hate a person she has never taken 10 minutes to know?
  • I really am struggling with these questions because I want to be able to attend future events, weddings, christenings, Holy Communion, all of it. I do not want my kids to have to pick one of us, we are adults and I feel we should be able to be in the same room civilly, for the KIDS!  Please post new thoughts below…
  • Here is the Reddit link:
  • https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/3joe7y/letter_to_stepmom_falls_on_deaf_ears_i_want_to/

 

Dear Jill,
Although we have never spent any time together I believe that you and I COULD become friendly, if not friends.

First off; let me again express my gratitude to you for guiding my children into adulthood. I honestly believe that without your influence they would not have achieved so much. I can’t thank you enough for loving them. Sincere, heartfelt THANKS!

Now I need to address some issues that I feel we, yes, you and I TOGETHER, need to come to terms with.

The number one thing that Wanda told me you said about me that really hurt my feelings was, “anybody can spit out four kids”. I have serious issues with that statement because it is a falsehood number one; because the children are mine, they are NOT your flesh and blood. Yes, you were there for them the past 7 years or so, but that doesn’t make them your children. It makes the children your family, people you love and people you are partially responsible for, still they will always be 50% of my genetic code and no matter how much you love them you can’t replace me. You can’t change their genetic make-up and as much as I believe you wish you could erase all traces of me from them, you can’t. I suggest that you come to terms with this and try to comprehend the special bond of mother and child which I have observed to remain intact even when a child is separated from their biological mother from birth.
Allow me to give you an example from my own life. You may not know this about me but I was adopted. I had a burning desire to find my biological family, my roots, at a very young age. To that end I began adoption research at the age of 15. I spent countless hours scouring records of “Chattle” (yes, sickening that Arizona used a livestock sales column to post adoption announcements) helping so many other people in the Az Search Triad, but never successfully locating my own announcement.
After Charlene was born I became obsessed really with locating my birth mother, and after much research I finally found her.
What she experienced the day I called her for the first time clearly demonstrates the connection between mother and child that remans unbroken through time.

My birth mother, June, (Wanda June is named after both Chuck’s mother and my birth mother) is the type of woman who’s only idle time is when she is asleep. She never really stops doing. The day I first called her was one of the rare moments in her life where she simply paused, by the telephone no less, in certain anticipation of a call from a daughter she had never met. Call it a psychic connection, a twinned cell, or, as I believe, a blood bond, she knew the baby she placed for adoption was going to call her that day and she was ready.

Jill I am not telling you this to make a comparison between the love our children have for mother or step mother. I trying desperately to explain that EVERYONE in this family will be far better off with more love rather than more pain. I would never force my children to choose between you and I, not for fear of the outcome, but because it is simply UNNECESSARY for them to make any such choice.

Now Jill, my children are almost all adults and I realize that they can decide never to speak to me again. How do you think they will feel when they have their own children and become aware of the deception and mean-spirited tactics that have pushed me away since the moment you became an important part of their lives? Do you believe that they will overlook the awful things you and Robin have said about me over the years?

I am betting adulthood will open their eyes to just how mean you have been to me. I HONESTLY Hope they don’t become so angry with you for the accusations, the not telling them I called, wrote, or flew 1200 miles to see them only to be threatened by you with trespass charges if I didn’t leave. Jill, as deeply as you have hurt me, I don’t wish this pain upon you.

I think of ALL of you everyday and while sometimes I am filled with pain, which ultimately leads to anger, for the most part I think of you fondly. I imagine you teaching Wanda to read music, encouraging Daniel to pursue drama, and holding the grandchildren I will never hold, with the love and adoration they clearly deserve. I imagine the pain you feel, as I once felt, being ignored intimately by a man who was sadly taught that sexual intercourse was something women despised, and that showing affection or being publicly affectionate was inappropriate even for man and wife. I imagine you crying alone realizing they will soon be gone and that even though you are married to a great guy, you will soon be very lonely.

Jill, I will always welcome any positive relationship with you. I would be able to overcome the painful past if you would simply reach out in sincere friendship to me. We have much in common, my kids have told me this time and again. I was told by Daniel that I left hurtful messages on your answering machine for you. I honestly do not recall trying to be hurtful towards you; yet I know that when I am in pain I can be very mean. I know this sounds like I am making excuses, I am not. There is no excuse if I hurt you; and if I did I am truly sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

Jill, please, I am begging you to start to TRY to add me to your life.

Whatever your choice, I wish you well.

Sincerely,
Leah

Begin Chinese

我的孩子的继母的公开信

指控应对离婚戏剧字母父母的疏远步父母公婆的作用兄弟姐妹的作用车削家长反对孩子

亲爱的建筑业,
虽然我们永远不会花任何时间在一起,我相信你和我能变得友好,如果不是朋友。

第一关 ;让我再次表示,我感谢你为指导我的孩子们进入成年期。老实说,我相信不受你影响他们将不会取得这么多。谢谢你足够爱他们不行,诚意,表示衷心的感谢 !

现在我需要的解决一些问题我觉得我们,是的你和我在一起,需要妥协的。

头号万达告诉我你说我真的伤害了我的感情是,”任何人都可以吐出四个孩子”。我有这种说法严重的问题,因为它是一个谎言数目 ;因为孩子们是我的他们不是你的血肉。是的你在那里为他们过去的 7 年左右的时间,但不会是你的孩子。它使孩子们,你的家人、 你爱的人和你部分负责的人,他们仍然总有 50%的基因代码、 无论你是多么的爱他们,你不能代替我。你不能改变他们的基因组成,就像我相信你想你可以抹去所有的痕迹,我从他们那里,你不能。我建议你来到这个术语,并试图理解的母亲和我观察将保持不变甚至当一个孩子分开他们亲生母亲从出生的孩子特别的羁绊。
请允许我给你举个例子从我自己的生活。你可能不知道这对我,但我没有采纳。燃烧的欲望,要找到我生物的家,我的根在很年轻的时候了为此目的,我 15 岁开始通过研究。我花了无数时间冲刷的”动产”(是的令人作呕的亚利桑那州用牲畜销售额列来发布通过公告的) 记录帮助很多其他人在亚利桑那州搜索黑社会,但永远不会成功地定位自己的公告。
夏琳出生后我成了真的痴迷于寻找我的亲生母亲,和很多的研究后我终于找到了她。
她所经历的这一天我打电话给她的第一次清楚地表明了母亲和儿童只有之间的连接通过时间不间断。

我的亲生母亲,6 月,(万达 6 月命名查克的母亲和我的亲生母亲) 是新型的女人只是空闲时间是当她是睡着了。她从来没有真正停止做。我第一次打电话给她的一天是她的生命中弥足珍贵的时刻之一在哪里她简单地停顿了一下,在电话上不少,在某些期待接到一个女儿她素未谋面。称之为一个通灵的连接,孪晶结构的单元格,或相信,血缘,她知道她安排收养婴儿正要打电话给她一天,她已经做好准备。

吉尔我不告诉你这些是为了让我们的孩子的母亲或继母的爱的比较。然而,至今拼命想解释说,在这个家庭里的每个人都将会更好更多的爱,而不是更多的痛苦。我从不会强迫我的孩子们做出抉择,你和我,我不是害怕结果,而是因为它是根本不必要为他们做出这样的选择。

现在是吉尔,我的孩子们几乎都是成年人,我意识到他们可以决定永远不会再跟我说话。你觉得他们会觉得当他们有他们自己的孩子和意识到的欺骗和卑鄙的战术,把我拒之门外自从你成为他们生活的重要组成部分?你相信他们会忽视你和罗宾曾对我多年来的糟糕的事情吗?

我打赌,成年后将会打开他们的眼睛,多么的意思是你一直在我身边。我老实说希望他们不会成为这么生气的指责,没有告诉他们我叫、 写道,或飞行 1200 英里,看到他们只来威胁你非法侵入罪名如果我不曾离开。吉尔,像你一样深深地伤害了我,我不希望这种痛苦在你身上。

我认为所有的你每天,虽然有时我充满了痛苦,最终导致愤怒,大部分为想你的深情。我想象你教学万达读音乐,鼓励 Daniel 追求戏剧,并抱着孙子我将永远不会举行,爱与崇拜他们显然值得。我想象你的痛苦,因为我一旦毡,紧密地忽略了可悲的是一个人教那性交是一些妇女鄙视,和那显示的感情或被公开深情是不恰当的即使对于男人和妻子。我想象你哭独自实现他们很快就会离开,即使你嫁给一个伟大的人,你很快就会很寂寞。

吉儿,我会永远和你一起欢迎任何积极的关系。将能够克服痛苦的过去,如果你将简单地伸出真诚的友谊对我。我们有很多共同点,我的孩子们告诉我这一次又一次。Daniel 告诉我说我把伤人的消息在你的答录机上留给你。老实说不记得想要伤害你 ;然而我知道在痛苦中的时候,我可以很小气。我知道这听起来像我在找借口,我不是。那里是没有任何借口,如果伤害了你 ;并且如果我做了我真的很抱歉。请发现它在你的心,能原谅我。

吉尔,拜托,我求你开始试着将我添加到您的生活。

无论你的选择,我祝你顺利。

此致敬礼
利亚