Category Archives: music

When A Song Breaks Your Heart and Time Makes You LOVE IT


 

I am the “Momma” in this song.

The first time I heard it I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. It hurt…

Since then, due a lot to counseling and input from friends who’s parents divorced, I have come to view this song not as an attempt to hurt anyone, but instead I can simply appreciate the song for what it is; beautiful like the person who wrote it.

Momma a3579273866_2 From “Not A Hipster”

License copyright 2013 wanda june wesolowski all rights reserved

 

“Baby girl, you’d better call your momma tonight
Baby girl, tell your momma that you’re doing alright”

I don’t know where to go from here, I
Haven’t seen momma in a year
Why can’t she see I don’t wanna
Hear it, not tonight?

“Baby girl, your momma bought you something today.”
“Baby girl, don’t you have something that you wanna say?”

I don’t know if I can thank you for
Trying to make up after losing that War
Momma, buying love won’t fix us, not tonight

And I know you’re trying so hard
All the gifts & all the birthday cards
Momma, you just need to give me time to think
To grow
To blink
And know

I think I’d better call my momma tonight….

Released 01 August 2013
Tags
Tags: Parental Alienation syndrome, Divorce, child abuse, PAS, folk, independent, songwriter, ukulele, madison, alabama, Huntsville
License copyright 2013 wanda june wesolowski all rights reserved

USED with Permission

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Painful Perspective ~ Child of Divorce


RaeLynn, a lovely country singer best known for her time on television’s “The Voice,” put her experience as a child of divorced parents to music allowing us all  insight to the emotional turmoil a child of divorce faces, sometimes well into adulthood..

“RaeLynn tells “People Magazine‘s” Danielle Anderson, “The whole point of family is to be a unit and to do a lot of things together and it’s just not that when your parents are divorced. I think there’s been a lot of divorce songs out there, but they’ve always been about the parents. They’ve never been from the kid’s perspective.”

She further reflects that seeing her parents on a court ordered schedule hurt her Dad as well, “My dad would pick me up every other Friday at 6, and drop me off by 6 on Sunday. Around 4 every Sunday, I remember him getting a little sad, because he wouldn’t get to see his baby for two weeks. I can’t imagine, when I become a mother, not being able to see my child for two weeks. That’s really hard, but that’s the truth, and that’s the normal for a lot of kids in divorced homes. They have to split their time and split their love. It really is not that fair, but it’s a lot of our normal and our truth.”

For more of her interview PLUS a live performance video of the song “Love Triangle” Click here.

official video RaeLynn - Love triangle

A response X’s 2


I believe I told you, dear reader, that I had told my Daughter Libby about this blog, and that she really didn’t approve stating it is “Private”, and therefore inappropriate for me to publish things here…

I told her it was time for me to tell my side of the story and that it was healing, and quite the relief to finally have the courage to tell others about this part of my life in the hope I can save a marriage; prevent acrimony in divorce; or prevent Parental Alienation.

Then I asked her why is she angry at me for posting the court docs, the IRS Lien, when it was the settlement her dad asked for; and it was he who refused to complete that settlement.  I never wanted this, she knows that is true.

She replied, (sighing) “yeah, I guess you’re right Ma, but I hate it.”

*******************************

Then I was messing around with my iPad the other day and hit an e-mail address belonging to one of my kids and typed “Hi” not expecting that email to be any good. A few seconds later “Bling” there was a message, the first contact in several years, it stated (Paraphrasing) “Stop contacting me. Stop lying on your horrible blog about my family, and take down your review of “Momma” because it is negative and you missed the point of your child’s words when she wrote it.”

I thought about it a few and then I wrote, “I’ll make you a deal, I will remove anything from my blog that you can prove is a lie. I will try to remove my review of the Song “Momma” and I won’t contact you at all if I can get one text a week saying you are alive and well and healthy.”

I changed my review of the song “Momma” I tried to delete it, but there was no option.

I have not been notified of any “Lies” that need to be addressed here, so it remains.

I haven’t been given a text back, but I am going to wait the full week before I cry about that.

Thanks for reading.
Responses are welcome.

Goodbye, I love you. How can this change? {replies requested}


I Don’t Want To Leave Without Saying “Good Bye, I Love You”

  The way my ADULT children feel about me and their lack of contact with me, I can’t do a DAMN thing about.  I am trying with much difficulty to accept the things I cannot change (as the 12 steppers pray)…   Not having them in my life really hurts, but then, as we have discussed in my previous posts, that pain has a way of morphing into anger.  I find my thoughts golden and glowing brightly with love for all of my children, and then I get this urge to contact them… that urge to know them, talk to them, contact them, reminds me they will not answer, or worse, hang up and if I make that phone call I might as well go walking into a wall because I will end up hurt, (sigh) again. The thought of their rejection brings on my anger. As I start to get angry, I relive the things that I have done, and that have been done to me, and then that anger grows…  I hate the anger that exists in my psyche now.  I have never been an angry person.  I have been told by people that the one thing they recall about me growing up, was a constant smile.  That smile which is now so rare.

   Today, I was thinking about my recent bout with cancer, (this is my third bout and victory over cancer), and I thought “WHAT IF I DIE WITHOUT SEEING THEM AGAIN?”  I can’t bear this thought.  My death, could be long and arduous, or it could be a short and swift.  I don’t know how or when I will die, but I know FOR SURE that I don’t want to leave this world with my children full of animosity toward me.  I don’t want to go without them knowing I love them and never meant for this to happen to our family.  I don’t want to die without apologizing for any and all ways that I have wronged or hurt them.  I want them to know that I LOVE, Love, LOVE them so much!

   The opposing thought then invaded my busy, self defeating, thought racing, bi-polar brain.  What if one or more, of my children were to die today!?!  I would not have been allowed to say “Good bye, I love you”  they would think the horrible things they have been brainwashed to believe about me for eternity… This thought hurt me more than words can sufficiently express.

   My mind screeched, “THIS IS SO UNFAIR!”  Yes, as adults, they have free will.  They can’t be forced into any type of therapy, they can’t be made to listen to my side, or to understand a painful divorce and things that went very wrong in our marriage NEVER meant that I didn’t love them.  I have no ability to get through to them, to apologize for leaving, to show them my love.  I have lost them and with them I have lost a piece of my soul so large that I barely breathe anymore.

  I take responsibility for leaving, I do!  I still believe leaving was the only way I knew how to survive, how to deal with his post divorce treatment of me.

   My Doctor thinks an anti-depressant will help me.  I disagree. She says that people should “get up and LIVE their lives“, and I agree with her on that point.  Except when I get out there, in every crowd, every visage, every moment, I see something that makes me think of my kids and that painful anger sears my soul a little more once again.  Also, on those rare occaisions when I do “get out there“, if I find that bright childhood smile on my face I actually feel guilty.  Ridiculous I know, but it is true, I feel guilt because there are actually moments I am not thinking of them.  HOW DARE ME!

    I once told a therapist that “When shitty things happen to a person it is completely normal for that person to feel shitty.”  Well I feel beyond shitty much of the time, I feel helpless and emotionally eviscerated, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it;  OR IS THERE?

   I am open to suggestions if you, my dear readers, have any.

Would you like to know one of the things I have considered?  Well I’ll tell you.  I have considered having ECT (electro convulsive therapy) in order to obliterate these painful memories.  Erase the memory of my children from my brain, like Carey’s character in “The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”.  It didn’t work for him though, and I don’t really believe it would work for me.  Yet I have considered it many times.

   So what other things?  Pour myself into a project. That’s funny, I try that too, I say try because I am continuously trying to find something, anything, to keep my mind off this horrible pain.  My house is filled with project after project, some partially started, some not even out of the bag, none of them complete, because it simply did not work.

   So what else? My life has always revolved around music… that really is the one thing that even the painful intrusive thoughts can’t excise from my short repertoire of enjoyment.  Alas, I fear that the enjoyment of music might be in peril of being lost at this point in my life.  Deafness is encroaching upon my ability to understand lyrics, and I also feel it is effecting the way I sound both when I talk and sing.  Boy, do I sing. “Loud and Proud” my voice coach used to say… now I am told too frequently I am talking too loud.  I can’t imagine what people must think of my singing.

  So again, I ask, how can I move past the pain? I have been divorced for 12 years, but my youngest son only rejected me this past year. He is 17, and the loss his love, of our talks, and texts may have been just enough to really damage me.  FUBAR!

  Can I reach out to them somehow, show them that what they have been lead to believe is false?  HOW?

   “Back off” my friends say, “they will eventually come around“.

 What if they miraculously do come around and I am already dead?

Leah

“Please Don’t Tell Me What I’m Doing Wrong” by Another Mom Suffering Parental Alienation


Feel our pain

"Please Don't Tell Me What I'm Doing Wrong" by Another Mom Suffering Parental Alienation.