This Pain Bleeds On


Today has been a hard day for me. I woke up thinking about my kids, missing them more than ever.
My leaving was wrong; my punishment for leaving I believe is inhumane. The kids I raised knew love. They knew how to love and they knew how to forgive people. The kids I knew were never cruel. I just can’t understand how they could Change so much that it doesn’t bother them that I am hurting so deeply. Have they been invaded by beings from another planet? Have they been completely brainwashed? Can’t they remember the good times we had?

Me eldest daughter has had two children now. I know she is a great mom. Everyday I remember her as a child and how she loved me and OH GOD how I loved her. Now I struggle with the sentence she last spoke to me, “You ruined my life,”

Santa
Sant will you fix my mommy’s broken heart this year?

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7 thoughts on “This Pain Bleeds On”

    1. Thank you for reading. When I sit down and write about this stuff, I usually end up crying a river of tears. I often ask myself, “why do you keep dwelling on this FUKASHIMA-ed up situation? Why don’t you move on? Why don’t you focus solely on the wonderful man you just married? And why can’t you follow the seemingly good advice of not wasting time, energy and love on people who don’t care about you?”

      The answer is simple. My children are a part of me and I won’t let go of them, not from my heart, mind or soul. I could no sooner live my life without thoughts of them than I could live my life without a brain. For me it is impossible to let go of these people because my love for them is deeper than any ocean, and larger than any universe. So I remember them every day. I miss them every day. I pray for them every day. Finally, I grieve for my loss of them every day; as if they were dead and gone, but painfully knowing they are alive and consciously choosing to keep me out of their lives. Sometimes I think having a grave to visit, to grieve openly over, would be easier… Maybe not.

      I also write hoping I can change the mind of a young mom or dad who is thinking of a divorce; maybe they will change their mind, or maybe they will work VERY hard to keep their divorce civil, and their former spouse a friend.

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      1. I pray and hope things will work out between you and your children. I’m going through a divorce right now. It will be final next month. Things were terrible at first, but now her and I can be somewhat civil to each other. My kids are number one right now. They are my heart.

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  1. I am so sorry. We can blame individuals and not look at society, culture, and other factors such as an abusive spouse who can make you feel as if you don’t even matter in your kids’ lives and they don’t need you and you are worthless. It seems like the culture these days to blame moms, to blame victims. Forgive yourself completely.

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