Keep on Walking Into Walls of Pain
WHAT WAS I THINKING? I don’t know why I did it, I must be a glutton for punishment. Yesterday I decided to call my musically talented daughter Wanda June Wesolowski (www.wandawesolowski.bandcamp.com) because I missed her AND because I was attending a Jason Mraz / Raining Jane concert and wanted to know if she wanted an autograph or shirt or something.
So I dialed her number. She answered asked who was calling and as soon as she heard it was her “Momma” she hung up on me.
A myriad of hurt feelings flooded over me. How can she hate me so much?! I have done NOTHING to harm her, I have only loved her, and she can’t even show me the kindness of a 5 minute phone call?
Of course I am human and pain, as I have earlier posted, can sometimes swiftly turn to anger. She is 19 years old. I don’t know what lies they have told her about me; I have no idea what kind of terrible things she must believe about me that would give her such resolve to remove me from her life. To ALIENATE me from her life so completely.
Words of anger flash in my mind like the flashing red lights of a train track warning barrier. Words I never want to think of in the context of any of my children. Then the flood of guilt for having mean thoughts toward her. This reminded me of the Alec Baldwin embarrassment when he made unkind remarks to his alienated daughter and they were made public. I am sure he was reacting out of pain that had burned into white hot anger. God bless the Baldwin Family, and may God forgive me for the angry thoughts I had about my daughter.
With her musical talent she tells the world how she is going to “call her Momma tonight”, she never did, so the main word I have that while I regret feeling in such a hostile fashion is HYPOCRITE. I can’t help it, I am only human. I’m deeply hurt by her refusal to communicate with me.
So the moral of this story is, walking into walls put in place by alienating custodial parents still hurts even when the child is grown, maybe it even hurts more then because there is an expectation that the mature child would at lest give you an opportunity to love again.
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